Waking Life’s Weblog

Happy Birthday to me.

Minus the happy.

I guess I have some pretty unrealistic ideals of how a birthday should be.

Your friends know when it is (without the help of facebook/myspace), have probably been talking to you about it for a few days prior and call you up to wish you happy birthday on spacific day.

You have something fun planned to do, and the excuse/reasoning for everything is, ‘It’s her birthday!’

Maybe a party with your friends planned, or at least some entertaining outing.

Not your best friend saying she didn’t know. Not having nothing planned. Not having people you told several times over the week about your birthday coming up and they still act surprised when you tell them its your birthday.

It’s my own fault, I sound so selfish, but I feel really hurt… and I shouldn’t because it’s my own damn fault I didn’t have anything planned, it’s my own fault I didn’t make more of an effort to get a party going. It’s all my fault. But I still feel hurt. I can’t help it.

This is the worst birthday I’ve ever had. That sounds dramatic but it’s true.

Maybe I’ve been spoiled with friends over the past few years, because I’ve always had them around teasing me about my birthday weeks in advance talking with me about what we’d do and yadda yadda yadda. This is the first year that didn’t happen… and I feel selfish for bringing it up around people. I made myself, at least once or twice a week over the past month.

Its my own fault I shouldn’t be complaining. It’s a birthday, who gives a shit?

I guess I do.

Yeah, it will be on Tuesday.

I hate to say it, but this birthday is gonna blow. Big time.

:/

I’m not mad or upset with anyone, its my own fault for not planning anything.

But I still can’t help but feel a little hurt, and I’m not sure why.

It’s strange how something completely insignificant and trivial can make your world feel like it’s falling apart around you.

I feel hollow. I need a hug, and someones shoulder to cry on. Too bad I don’t have anyone to do either of these things.

Last weekend I went to babysit two of my younger cousins, and both nights I was there I had trouble sleeping. The first night I didn’t sleep at all, the second night I tried to go to bed at midnight, but ended up laying around till 3, called my mother having a huge panic attack (I was freaking out, I felt sick, and I was sobbing hysterically, I had kind of gone off the deep end) however my mother talked to me for a good while and then Ella (the youngest, who is three) woke up and got out of bed crying so I went to calm her down, and when I got her back in bed I asked her if she wanted me to lay down with her, and she said, ‘Uh-huh.’ So I did, and thats when I fell asleep at 4am, and woke up at 8am, so I only got 4 hours.

I love my little cousins, more than anything. Even if I did barely get any sleep.

So, that day I went onto ‘Drivers Edge’ which is really awesome and I had a blast, we got to actually be put into situations where our cars would skid and we’d have to regain control, we got to test out ABS, and do quick lane changes (In BMW’s, yeah I know..) which was awesome, they just told us to get in the car and step on the gas, get ourselves going fast then slam on the breaks to see what ABS felt like. They put us in a parking lot and they had watered it down, so we’d drive really fast onto the spot and the car would start spinning and we had to regain control. It was just really neat and they talked to us a lot about a bunch of different kinds of stuff. It was actually a fun drivers ed course.

I could go on and on about what we did and saw but I’ll stop, hah.

So, school starts Tuesday, and my birthday is a week from then. I’m so stoked for school to start, I can’t wait. My birthday’s pretty exciting too, I suppose, the only good thing about 17 will be its just a year closer to being 18, which is a year closer to being 19, and so on and so forth.

I have a lot of things going through my mind recently, things that I don’t really want to post on the internet. But I just wanted to state how my mind has been whirling so I could have noted.