Waking Life’s Weblog

This week Sunday Secrets has provided me with what has to be probably my favorite post secret of all time. It describes me to a T. I want to be able to say this completely at some point. I want to be able to look at myself and say, ‘You’ve finally let go.’ I can’t let go, of anything. Of what I’ve known, of what I’ve believed to be absolute truths. I can’t let go of these things. I need to stop worrying about the future, about what may or may not be happening, about these risks that I’m taking and just enjoy what they have to offer me in this moment. I can’t hold onto the past forever. I can’t let it affect me so much anymore. It’s easy to say, it’s easy to type, but it’s so much harder to do. You go through life, thinking of yourself one way, thinking you’re never going to have something, or experience something. You feel you’re a lost cause. Then out of no where it falls in your lap. Wow, this is incredible. It’s perfect, better than you could’ve ever imagined it being, and yet you still worry. You still wonder what will happen tomorrow. You still wonder if you said something wrong, or did something that isn’t ‘correct’. You always wonder and you always worry, and no one can calm your nerves, not even them. They could be lying to you which is what you’re worried about in the first place. You know you’re wrong. This is the first time you’ve ever not had a gut feeling that you’re assumptions were correct. This one is perfect, not in a ‘perfect’ way but in a perfect because it isn’t way. This one feels right. This one… this one is different. However your past is like a nagging toddler who isn’t getting what it wants. It sits and gnaws at your insides, screaming to run and hide. ‘DON’T LET YOURSELF GET HURT AGAIN! DON’T FALL FOR THE LIES!’ it continues to scream. You know it’s not based off fact, or even feeling, but conditioning.

I’m going to drive myself insain.

He better call me tonight or I’ll have a knot in my stomache untill I see him tomorrow.

I wish I was better at this helping people thing. I have three really great girls talking to me, and all of them are having troubles, all are very different. I don’t know what to say to any of them, because I know nothing I say can make a difference with how they feel and think. Not to mention its hard to focus on three people at the same time.

I feel like I failed them, because I have nothing to say, no words of advice, no pep talk. I have nothing.

Happy Birthday to me.

Minus the happy.

I guess I have some pretty unrealistic ideals of how a birthday should be.

Your friends know when it is (without the help of facebook/myspace), have probably been talking to you about it for a few days prior and call you up to wish you happy birthday on spacific day.

You have something fun planned to do, and the excuse/reasoning for everything is, ‘It’s her birthday!’

Maybe a party with your friends planned, or at least some entertaining outing.

Not your best friend saying she didn’t know. Not having nothing planned. Not having people you told several times over the week about your birthday coming up and they still act surprised when you tell them its your birthday.

It’s my own fault, I sound so selfish, but I feel really hurt… and I shouldn’t because it’s my own damn fault I didn’t have anything planned, it’s my own fault I didn’t make more of an effort to get a party going. It’s all my fault. But I still feel hurt. I can’t help it.

This is the worst birthday I’ve ever had. That sounds dramatic but it’s true.

Maybe I’ve been spoiled with friends over the past few years, because I’ve always had them around teasing me about my birthday weeks in advance talking with me about what we’d do and yadda yadda yadda. This is the first year that didn’t happen… and I feel selfish for bringing it up around people. I made myself, at least once or twice a week over the past month.

Its my own fault I shouldn’t be complaining. It’s a birthday, who gives a shit?

I guess I do.

Yeah, it will be on Tuesday.

I hate to say it, but this birthday is gonna blow. Big time.

:/

I’m not mad or upset with anyone, its my own fault for not planning anything.

But I still can’t help but feel a little hurt, and I’m not sure why.

It’s strange how something completely insignificant and trivial can make your world feel like it’s falling apart around you.

I feel hollow. I need a hug, and someones shoulder to cry on. Too bad I don’t have anyone to do either of these things.

Last weekend I went to babysit two of my younger cousins, and both nights I was there I had trouble sleeping. The first night I didn’t sleep at all, the second night I tried to go to bed at midnight, but ended up laying around till 3, called my mother having a huge panic attack (I was freaking out, I felt sick, and I was sobbing hysterically, I had kind of gone off the deep end) however my mother talked to me for a good while and then Ella (the youngest, who is three) woke up and got out of bed crying so I went to calm her down, and when I got her back in bed I asked her if she wanted me to lay down with her, and she said, ‘Uh-huh.’ So I did, and thats when I fell asleep at 4am, and woke up at 8am, so I only got 4 hours.

I love my little cousins, more than anything. Even if I did barely get any sleep.

So, that day I went onto ‘Drivers Edge’ which is really awesome and I had a blast, we got to actually be put into situations where our cars would skid and we’d have to regain control, we got to test out ABS, and do quick lane changes (In BMW’s, yeah I know..) which was awesome, they just told us to get in the car and step on the gas, get ourselves going fast then slam on the breaks to see what ABS felt like. They put us in a parking lot and they had watered it down, so we’d drive really fast onto the spot and the car would start spinning and we had to regain control. It was just really neat and they talked to us a lot about a bunch of different kinds of stuff. It was actually a fun drivers ed course.

I could go on and on about what we did and saw but I’ll stop, hah.

So, school starts Tuesday, and my birthday is a week from then. I’m so stoked for school to start, I can’t wait. My birthday’s pretty exciting too, I suppose, the only good thing about 17 will be its just a year closer to being 18, which is a year closer to being 19, and so on and so forth.

I have a lot of things going through my mind recently, things that I don’t really want to post on the internet. But I just wanted to state how my mind has been whirling so I could have noted.

Their are a few things I’d like to talk about in this post, all kind of random, but whatever.

So currently I am hiding in my bedroom. Why? Well their is a GIANT bug (I mean this thing is huge, I’m thinking like the size of a large child’s hand) flying around my house (his buzz echos, thats how big it is) and I’m not about to try and kill it. I’m staying in my room till my parents get home and can kill it for me. (Yeah I’m a weenie. STFU.)

Besides that little damper on my day, it’s been a decent one.

I started a ‘challenge’ thing on PSC, where every week theirs a different challenge to complete, and this week it’s taking a risk you’ve been too afraid to take. My risk will be to message some people on PSC and try to strike up conversations. The reason it’s a risk is because I’m sure all the people I’d like to start conversations with think I’m stupid/not worth their time. I’ve mentioned admiring them in threads before and they just ignored me so I’m sure they don’t give a damn. Maybe I’ll just message the people I’ve never said anything to/about on the forums. I don’t know. I really don’t.

Last night I showed up at coffeehouse (a place where my home school group hangs out every week) and a group of people were standing over by the side of the building, so I walk over and start talking to them. And this guy’s girlfriend pulls out a cigarette and lights up. So my best friends mother (who is also one of the people who started the group) is walking over and she stops and goes, ‘Look, I don’t know if you’re old enough to smoke or not, I don’t care, but the other parents and I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t smoke where the younger kids can see you. You know when you’re little you look up to the older kids, you think they’re cool. And you have made the choice to smoke, and thats your business, but we would really like it if our children didn’t make the choice to smoke.” so the guys girlfriend was like, ‘Okay, sure, I’m sorry’ and my friends mom says, ‘Yeah we’d just really appreciate it, thanks.’

So this guy looks over at my other friend (who smokes but wasn’t at the time) and goes, ‘Hey, you smoke, wow I see you smoking, that’s so cool, I’m going to start.’

Just mocking my best friends mother.

And he kept going, and then he said, ‘just because you see someone else smoke doesn’t mean you’re going to start.’ I said, ‘You’re not a parent.’ and he goes, ‘well I practically raised three kids.’ What the fuck ever. I got so pissed I didn’t even want to argue with him, it was just stupid and really immature.

It pissed me off so much. I wanted to deck ‘em.

Speaking of my best friends mother, I worry a lot. That I might have made her dislike me for some reason. I know her mother is kind of a hard ass like my dad so sometimes they can seem like they dislike you but they really don’t. I don’t know. I just get worried because I really love my friend and her mother and the rest of her family for that matter. Oh well, maybe I’ll talk to my friend about it one day and she can calm my nerves.

One last thing though, uhm, straight girls suck. Boo.

So I’ve had a few things on my mind recently and I’d like to get them off my chest now.

1. Suburbia sucks and everyone who lives there is a pretentious snob.

This one has been bothering me for several months. For the majority of my life I have only had friends that live in the suburbs, this wasn’t because of any prejudice I have of anyone who lives in the city, it’s just how it is. I live in the suburbs I was friends with people in the area. Makes sense. Well last fall I joined a home school group that was made up of mostly people who live in the city. I’ve never thought of any differences between Suburbia and the City as that drastic as far as the quality of the kind of people who live there. I’ve never had a discussion with anyone in the suburbs about those ‘stupid poor urban kids.’ I’ve never even had anyone refer to them as ‘city/urban kids’ it’s just no one around here cares. We hang out with who we hang out with, I’ve never heard anyone judge someone on where they live.

Well, then I went into the city and started getting really close to people who live down there. I was shocked to say the least at the prejudices against ‘Suburban Kids’ and how often I find people in the city who ‘hate the suburbs.’ I’ve heard several reasoning’s, it’s a totally consumerist, all the people look the same. Suburban people are pretentious, racist, prejudice.. I’ve heard it all.

It bothers me, it really does. I had a friend say that the only reason she thinks anyone moves to the Suburbs is because they’re racist and prejudice.

Uhm, what?

To me that sounds like a prejudice statement. Saying everyone in the Suburbs lives there because they’re racist is probably the most ignorant thing I’ve heard in a long time. I know that I haven’t even met anyone whose racist, and the majority of people who I’ve known through out my life have lived in the Suburbs. Plus, what does she mean ‘move’ to the Suburbs? Like we all started out in the city. My mother grew up in the Suburbs, as did her parents, and their parents. This is her home, this is where she grew up.

It just really bothers me that ‘city kids’ have all these prejudices against people who don’t live in the city. How everyone else is stuck up. I think if you honestly think all the things you say about the Suburbs you’re the pretentious ones. It’s the self righteous attitude that the city is the only place anyone should want to be that really drives me nuts. It’s also partially that these people know I live in the suburbs. Do they really think all these things about me? Do they think I’m this pretentious Northlander who hates anyone of a different ethnicity and judges everyone I meet?

I just think the whole thing is really stupid.

2. If you’re overweight/fat you’re a lazy disgusting human being who doesn’t care about themselves.

This one has come up on several occasions recently. I read something a guy said a few weeks ago about plus size models and how he doesn’t think there should be plus sized models because it ‘makes it okay for people to be like that.’ First off, plus sized models, run about a size 12, no bigger. 12 isn’t even as big as the normal size of a women in America. (A size 14 is the average) And who are you to judge that they’re unhealthy? Just because you’re big doesn’t mean you’re unhealthy. Just like being skinny doesn’t make you healthy. I know people who are sticks who I eat healthier than and they don’t do any kind of physical activity.

Plus, you say ‘obviously they don’t care about themselves or enough to be healthy’ what about anorexics? Not getting enough food is just as bad (if not worse) than getting too much. So regular models have to starve themselves to be a size 0 or 2 and you think that’s okay? You think that message is just fine and dandy to convey to people? Well guess what, it’s not. I love how people will sit around and talk about how it’s so sad when people are anorexic, but everyone bitches when someone is really overweight. Obesity can be a disease too. Things like that can manifest themselves in several different ways.

Just, I can’t even go on because I think it’s completely ridiculous.

So yeah, that’s all I have to say.

My mother came home from work asking what was wrong with me. I wouldn’t tell her. I won’t tell anyone. It upset her, but I just kept telling her I wanted to talk to Dr. Moser. She finally let it go and told me it might be a while before I could get in to see her. She then asked how long I’ve been feeling upset. I told her two or three weeks, and she said we should make an appointment with Dr. Barash as well. Maybe I can’t be off anti-depressants yet, I’ve been down hill ever since I haven’t been on them.

That’s okay though, right? It’s okay if I still need them, eventually I’ll get there to where I don’t. Eventually I will. I just can’t live feeling like this all the time. I miss myself a month ago, and how I have been for most of the year. Happy. (Enough, anyway.) I want that back.

In the mean time, my mother seems really worried. I don’t know what to do or to tell her. I don’t have anything to tell her. Accept what happened today, and I can’t. I got really angry with my brother over something stupid, that he just made worse by ignoring me when I tried to talk to him. And, I threw a bottle of Windex, and punched a door, and proceeded to tell him that I hate him and left the house slamming the door behind me.

I don’t hate him, I apologized later, but I really don’t want him ever thinking I hate him. He just made me so mad. So, so mad. It took everything in me from hitting him. That scares me.

I hate the fact that I started this blog when I started feeling my worst, so all my posts aren’t too happy. I seem like another teenager filled with angsty bullshit.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. I’ve been in this totally, completely depressed kind of mood the past three weeks or so. I’m not sure what’s wrong, and at the same time I’m more than sure. I was hoping the summer would get better for me, but it hasn’t. In fact, in some ways it’s gotten worse. I feel psychotic, short tempered, and completely over-whelmed. I’m losing my place. I feel my relationships crumbling. People I used to trust with everything I don’t trust at all. My life’s going to hell and back, and I don’t understand why.

Placebo is the only medication for a weary soul.

I’ll cry about this
And hide my cuckold eyes
As you come off all concerned
I’ll find no solace
In your poor apology
In your regret that sounds absurd
And keep singing

And this is a promise